Tell me truth please seriously?

i am a boy who was very shy and not good looking right from my childhood.i was too shy to attend marriages and never left my house to enjoy with friends.i was under depression for many years which i did not realise that it was depression.my memory got so weak at present that i just forget 2 seconds before things.and it was worsening since 6-7 years.right from age 13 or 14 years when Harmon changes started in me.i was under the habit of which is not masturbutation but at night playing with my penis.i continued to do so every month from then.when i started becoming younger my habit got worsened and i started looking at pornography on net.i always used to think that it is a sin but somehow i could not control it.i was so depressed with the passage of time that i started to internalise it making it a habit.once at the age of 18 when all things did not arouse me anymore i got into the habit of sex story reading from where i used to read normal stories of husband wife etc.but somehow i started reading stories of uncle cousin brother and finally i started reading stories of brother sister father daughter .i never thought of reading a story of mom and son. i was good at studies.i felt that with my poor family and my ugly face and people not liking to talk to me , doing good in academics was the only way to get you accepted among other people.i was so internally afraid that i started to think that you are nothing without education.i got distinction in my exams everytime.because of my self created pressure. the topic every normal person can learn or retain in mind effortlessly.it took so time for me to remember or to learn anything .i used to study 10 hours which a normal student would have done in 1 hours. i am an indian boy where reading such kind of stories is unthinkable and such a big taboo.but i never fantasized about my relatives and family members. i wanted to quit the habit time and again but i was unable to control.but sometime ago when i really realised that this could actually spoil my relationship,i was terrified and decided that perhaps this was the last time i read it.but now 3 months gone to those last reading, i am under constant severe depression for different different things.sometimes because of fear of god.sometimes when i realise that if anyone could have been at my place he would have done it.sometimes because i am from india. and specially here the relationship of brother and sister is celebrated as raksha bandhan and pure relation which are universal in the world.sometime i feel that brother which is supposed to protect her sister , you have read story of that relationship.but now i am deeply terrified.i never looked at any lady with lustful thoughts. i was so shy.i said that i lost my mother 2 years ago without whom i could not imagine my life.but on his death i could not weep because my feeling were destroyed. i was so terrified.but sometimes when i realise what i have lost .i feel so afraid and helpless .i cry.even now when my sister goes to her husband house after visiting us i weep because i love them purely with the love brother and sister relationship.i think i am pervert and no normal person in country like india would have done what i have done. i cannot even hurt a person with my harass words.now i live with my dad.he is an aged person.he has all hopes on me.but many times frustrated and tensed i remain angry with him.but i also love him and i think without him who will be mine in this world.we are two members in our family.please thinking from and indian perspective tell me am i bad.would anyone else have not done such kind of thing if his emotions would have suppressed he would have depressed.he would remain alone with his books with pressure.please tell me i think that how could i have read those kind of stories.when 3 years back such kind of matter was unthinkable to me.i am 21 years old now .and i have the responsibily of my family.please help me. serious answers please.